Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
