ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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