just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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