I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
