You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
