Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
