What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
