Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
