A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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