He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
