Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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