Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
