True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
