We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
