The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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