I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
