Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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