My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
