i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
