I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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