I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
