a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
