Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
