can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
