4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
