good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
