Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
