I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
