Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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