if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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