I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
