I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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