I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
