Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
