I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Couch. On fire.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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