My first STD was from a foam party
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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