So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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