I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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