his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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