Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
