I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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