I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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