when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This is the high leading the old right now
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
