i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
