I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
