does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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