Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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