What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
