My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
