Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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