alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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