I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
