I never want to see another naked old woman again.
if only i could text you this smell
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
