you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
