Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
